My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Gross if literal…Liverpool
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
there’s probably a fee though
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
A classic…
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95