Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.