I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating