I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.