the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Beer:”You know what would be funny?”
Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Sucks the USA lost. Now we can’t keep watching TV at work.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
me: i’m terrified of socialism
therapist: thanks for sharing
[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?
me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.