@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

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@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@jobrowneyes

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@arcadeseals

me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]

@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.