I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time