@shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

You Might Also Like

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

@stephenjmolloy

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@OurMarketingGuy

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”