I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
In Canada they just call them geese
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
the composer
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Does your wife know you’re single?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands