SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My circle of trust is a meatball
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.