I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Good dog. ❤️
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.