POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
god: then u just kinda :O
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*