I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.


Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.


pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money


god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮


god: then u just kinda :O


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.


[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*