@KentWGraham

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

@_b1p0larbear

Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@climaxximus

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

@Jake1000001

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

@GensPlace

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

@KyleMcDowell86

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*