(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem