“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell