@moron_online

I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

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@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@brotherslop

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

@joejwest

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@LOsepyan

According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?

@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@ADHDeanASL

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs