Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I had sex with a girl on a first date once. Boy was her date pissed.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs