Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.