@moron_online

I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

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@MelvinofYork

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

@AngelaEhh

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

@KyleMcDowell86

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

@bea_ker

[2025]

Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@Underchilde

Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.

@Papa_Mex

Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them

@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@lucidchemistry

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?