I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

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Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.


They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.


Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.



[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle



Dad, Mum, this is my girlfriend. You might recognise her, she used to be quite famous

*the laugh-cry emoji steps forward shyly*


Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35


Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.


Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them


me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?