Me: And what about this one?
Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.
I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Coworker:I’ll take care if it.
You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Hulu: still there?
Phone: ring ring
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.