@stephanieck72

I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough

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@gavinmind

Me: And what about this one?

Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@just1fool

Coworker:I’ll take care if it.

*Translation*

You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.

@RunOldMan

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

@linkindrinkin

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.