For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Schrödinger’s cookie
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.