I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
worst…sale…ever
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone