I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.