I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My new favorite headline
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Tuesday
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.