@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

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@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@DanorSlim

If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.

@_squiggz

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@Rick_IZ

People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.

@lisaxy424

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

@deedles420

Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?

@cravin4

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@captainkalvis

ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes