“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
12. I think about this all the damn time
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us