Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer
Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes