ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Those are good neighbors.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know