FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Cannot stop laughing at this
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Cndnsd Mlk
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The happy life.. 😊
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.