I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…