I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
No way!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night