@DaddyJew

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

- @DaddyJew

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@daddydoubts

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@chimneyspotter

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@mstluvstrinkets

Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to “make elephant! Now teapot!” As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.

@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@sixfootcandy

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.