I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.