A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh