‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall