@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

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@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@greek_heanen

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

@tigersgoroooar

we joke about the end of the world so much i don’t even think we’ll recognize a full civilizational collapse until it’s like hunger games level and even then everyone left in america will find a way to shitpost

@Lpbinder

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@scorpicpanda

If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.

@dakg666

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

@LarrysTwin99

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@WalkingOutside

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.