I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
reviewed some movies recently
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?