I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I ate everything, including the H.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!