I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about