If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
You Might Also Like
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Today TO DO list:
1) vacuum huge spider in living room??
3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??
4)buy new spiderless vacuum
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?