@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@MNateShyamalan

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@OtherDanOBrien

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are