@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

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@3sunzzz

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

@Mardigroan

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@vodkachops1

Today TO DO list:

1) vacuum huge spider in living room??

2) panic??

3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??

4)buy new spiderless vacuum

@BlindVigil

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@Jason_Horton

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

@3sunzzz

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.