I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?


My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”


Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?


My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.


willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.


Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?


[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are