ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are