Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*