I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
When the stylist spins you back around
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled