No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: Another nightmare?
M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.
Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”