@goldengateblond

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

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@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

@lisaxy424

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@Lowenaffchen

Katana is Japanese for “sword”. In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming

@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@Anita_nap

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.

@robrouse

Bin Laden’s neighbours interviewed “we had no idea…he just kept himself to himself really…”