McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“This is the bomb!!!” –’90s terrorist
Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:
3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice