I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.


Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old



this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning


accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times


HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.


The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.


WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm


BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*


The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want