@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

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@HRTSMRT

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

@1MeLrO

Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old

FML

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@TuSoonShakur

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want