@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

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@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

@mastrap84

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

@fro_vo

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69