I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Yup
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!