I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”