I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—


I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.


I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.


Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.


I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again


The ability to ask different questions
See this is what we were talking about


due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic