@bridger_w

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

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@theSolemnBard

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

@shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

@LizHackett

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

@garrettbarry70

Staying at my daughter’s place again this weekend. Can’t wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there’s a moth in my room.

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@ibid78

WHAT DO WE WANT?
The ability to ask different questions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
See this is what we were talking about

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic