I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic