@RunwayDan

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

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@TheToddWilliams

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@thenatewolf

“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”

@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@rockymomax

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

@foodfacenow

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@Gupton68

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*