The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Social distancing in Australia:
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.