@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

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@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

@Gooooats

Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@TheToddWilliams

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@SoulYodeler

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.