If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people