Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Planet of the Apps.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?