@HatfieldAnne

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

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@TylerLinkin

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@Cheeseboy22

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@Mr_Kapowski

The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register