I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force