I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

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16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”

*opens door*
*pushes 16 outside*
*locks door*


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.


from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him


He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
2. Stop calling me that.


me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?