@HatfieldAnne

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

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@drayzze

16: “What was the internet like in the old days?”

Me:
*opens door*
*pushes 16 outside*
*locks door*

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@MrsGagaGarcia

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?