I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.