I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.