I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog