i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
🖤✌🏽