Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.