[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My kitchen overserved me.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*