I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”