I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Human are so complicated
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Well, that didn’t work.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong