I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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What tribe is your bicep from?
SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5: How much blood?
I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]