gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’
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“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math