@Storminika

I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’

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@pilau

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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e
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e
e
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s

@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@Matt_the_1st

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@capnwatsisname

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math