I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.