eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.
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“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”
That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.
Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23
Cha-ching is my safe word
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.