Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?