@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

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@envydatropic

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

@_davidlucas_

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

@Mr_Kapowski

[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

@justaride

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

@RunwayDan

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

@lil_dead_girl_

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.

@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.