I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

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Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership


[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.


[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water


I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective


“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.


I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.


After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.