@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

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@daemonic3

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

@dollfaceiam

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

@wife_housy

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.